Wow. Today was nerve wracking. My audition went amazingly well. I thought I’d get onto the stage, stand on the ‘X’ and cripple right infront of the judges. For one Cheryl wasn’t there, but in her place was Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls. FML moment, right there. Anywho, I held my own, I got out there, introduced myself and then Simon asked me why I was auditioning. I cleverly and honestly answered, ‘because I want to be famous’. Original right ;)
So then the music started playing, and I began to sing. It was weird, to myself I sounded normal but then I started to hear all this cheering from the open space infront of me. The lights had blinded me up to this point so I never saw the 3000 people who were sat there listening to my every note. I sang the acoustic cover of ‘Pokerface’ by Lady Gaga. I used to sing this all the time in my room until my mum told me I was good at singing. I stopped because I knew she’d been listening to me the whole time.
Anyway, people started standing up as I got to the chorus of the song and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was just some 16 year old girl from Preston, singing. Infront of thousands of strangers and three of the most influential people in the world. Don’t think you can blame me when I say I started crying right in the middle of my audition. I looked to the side of the stage to my mum and Dermot and she was stood there with the proudest look on her face, so I powered on through to the end of the song. By the end, I’d gotten over the tears SIMON COWELL WAS SMILING AT ME. Best moment of my life so far, seriously. After that, came a lot of cheering and the most important bit, the yes and no’s. Louis said yes; Nicole told me I was pretty and I had a really original voice and Simon told me he loved me. You can’t imagine how overwhelmed I was. It was an amazing feeling and I ran off the stage and gave my mum the biggest hug. Dermot asked me questions etc and I got a nice little autograph too ;)
After that I just watched the rest of the auditions. There was this one boy, Harry I think his name was, that was really, really good. Super, duper hot too with brown curls. He sang erm ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ by Stevie Wonder. Completely nailed the song and I swear he smiled at me when he’d finished. Or he was smiling at someone near me. But whatever. He got through, so maybe we’ll bump into eachother at Bootcamp…
It’s been a long, emotional day today, Diary. My Bootcamp audition was really hard, and I only found out we had to dance when we got there. Anyone who knows me, knows I haven’t got a dancing bone in my body, but the choreography was fairly easy, and I wasn’t the only one doing it so I tackled through the nerves, and got on with it. The wait was the hardest thing. We were all split up into Boys, Girls, Groups and Overs and then split up again into groups of 8. After finding out who I was singing against, I had a mini breakdown in the toilets whilst practising. Turned out I was against a girl called Rebecca Ferguson and her vocals were flawless. The rest of the Bootcampers sat in the audience and watched to see their opposition. As I was waiting on stage listening to the other 7 girls, I looked through the crowd and came across Harry, that guy from the auditions. He looked at me and gave me a cheeky wink, and for some reason, made me feel instantly better. Soon after that, it came to be my turn to sing. I sang ‘Make You Feel My Love’ by Adele, and admittedly did quite well. That was only because of Harry. Some guy I hadn’t even formally met. He sat there in the audience and watched my whole performance. The lyrics to the song began to make sense to me. Gosh, how stalkerish. But it’s true. After that was the agonizing wait of finding out whether we were through or not, in the big, open hallway of the arena. I was sat on my own against a wall listening to the song I sang over and over on my Ipod when Harry walked over and sat next to me. Truthfully, I didn’t know what to do. ‘Do I acknowledge him?’ ‘Do I ignore him?’ He made me feel nervous. I’d never met anyone who had such a weird, overwhelming effect on me. I pulled out my left earphone, and he just sat there and smiled at me. Honestly, I was a little freaked out. So I just smiled back and put the earphone back into my ear and looked away. He walked off. It was about half an hour after that, when I got called back onto the stage with the other 7 girls.
I got told I was through, and fell to my knees on the stage. I can’t really remember what happened then for a while. I just remember bawling my eyes out and hugging the other contestants that got through. After that I had to wait in the lounge for the X-Factor managers etc to tell me about the future stuff. At this point I was buzzing, and the whole atmosphere in that room was electric. Other girls walked in, and I’d wondered where some of the boys were. After a while, all the judges houses contestants were in the lounge and were given a ‘talk’ on what was to happen in the next month or so. Amongst the group was Harry, but he was with four other boys. All verrrrrrry good looking may I add.
Then, I looked over to find Harry smiling at me again. He stood up, and walked towards me, sat down, and said three perfect words, ‘Hi, I’m Harry’.
We had a nice, long conversation and he told me my performance was amazing but then I had to go. He had a sad look in his blue eyes, but we’ll meet again. Soon. xxx
Diary, you wouldn’t believe the week I’ve had. I don’t even know where to start. You know I said that Harry came up to me in the lounge at Bootcamp and we talked? Somehow, he snook his number into my jacket pocket, saying ‘I want to see you. I want too see you soon. Text me: 07745854728. Harry xxx’
I was shocked so obviously, I text him. I didn’t want to come off too eager, so it was something like ‘Harry, as if you put your number in my pocket! When do you want to see me?:)x’ and he replied with ‘Tonight. Give me your address, I’ll pick you up.’
I didn’t know what to do with myself. ‘What do I wear?’ ‘How do I do my hair?’ ‘What does he want?’ ‘Does he like me or is this a stitch up?’. After sitting on my bed day-dreaming for over an hour, I settled on a scruffy bun and sm-asual clothes. Tight jeans, military boots and a nice top with a fur waistcoat and he picked me up at 7pm on the dot. He got the taxi man to honk the horn and I went outside to find one of them black London cabs, that I’d never been in before. In the back-seat sat Harry with a big grin on his face, showing off his dimples and his pearly whites. I couldn’t help but smile myself through the confusion of what he was doing but I climbed into the cab and asked him what we were doing. He replied with ‘We’re going to the fair.’ And so the taxi man drove, and me and Harry talked the whole way there about the performances from the week before and about ourselves. ‘Getting to know’ eachother I guess. This was still all so surreal to me, I didn’t even know him but I was able to talk to him like he was someone I had known for years, like he was my best friend. I still didn’t know what he was getting at with this whole meeting thing. It was all good until we were talking about the rules of which we had to stick to. ‘No dating between X-Factor contestants’ but we discarded it, it wasn’t a date. It was two friends, going to the fair, going on a few rides and being their age. He talked about his new bandmates, Louis, Niall, Zayn and Liam and how they’ve been seeing eachother since Bootcamp to practice and ‘gel’. Which reminded me that I need to practice so much, I need to get to the Live Shows.
When the night ended, I got the taxi back with Harry and he told me all about his family. His cousin Matt who he’s really close to and his sister Gemma. I hugged him goodbye and jumped out the car.
To a worse case, we haven’t spoken since. I don’t know why. We got on like a house on fire and he seemed interested in me, if not relationship wise, definitely friendship wise.
Ah I don’t know. Since then I’ve been making excuses for him like ‘He’s busy with practising and he has to see family and friends’. But you don’t see someone one night, make an impression and ignore them. Anyway, I have to go to bed now, practising all day tomorrow.
I’ll update you, IF, he talks to me. Night Diary xxx
Harry still hasn’t text me, and I’ve decided to forget about it. It was a bit of harmless fun. Just practised today and sat and ate my weight in Doritos.
He rang me last night saying…
that he’s ‘sorry’ he’s not been in touch. I congratulated him on the kick ass apology, sarcasm intended, and he said he is going to make it up to me. Diary, I don’t know what to make of this situation. I can’t already be falling for a boy I barely know. I can’t already be feeling like this after meeting him only twice. He says the sweetest things, and he makes out he likes me, but for me, this all seems slightly too good to be true. I’ll call it a crush for now. That way I don’t get hurt, at least noy yet xxx
WAAAAAAAAAAAH, HARRY’S ON THE PHONE TO ME, AH HIS VOICE. Perfect. He just asked me out again, tomorrow night. Best go and have a shower, prepare myself and all that shizzle ;) Cinabit Diary, you amazing, amazing book xxx
Tonight was… again… amazing. I so overuse that word when it comes to him. He picked me up in a taxi again, and took me back to his house. It is friggin’ massive. A palace in comparison to mine… Anyway, so he cooked us dinner. Beans on toast to be precise but I loved it all the same. Boys like him don’t need to be fancy.
After that he took me on a tour, and showed me all the rooms. His room is so messy, it’s cute. So me being me, insisted on tidying it up and I spent a good twenty minutes doing that while he lay on his bed, grinning his head off and telling me I ‘missed a spot’. But then he got up and walked over to me, and grabbed my waist and launched us onto his bed. The anticipation poured into his eyes, and he squeezed me gently and told me he was sorry for ignoring me for the past few days. He told me it wasn’t deliberate and hoped I didn’t think much of it. I could feel my face heat up and go crimson infront of him, and he began to giggle and tell ‘tomato!’. Love it when he calls me names. So I got him back with ‘Dimple Mcdimpleson’ and shoved a pillow in his face. He pushed me to the floor and pinned down my arms so I couldn’t break free. He went all soft and his expression drained from his face and he whispered ‘I’m here’. I remember losing my breath and thinking ‘That’s true. Your here.’ I felt like I could face anything as long as that was true. His face began to sink lower and lower, and I felt my body begin to feel alive. My head rose and I shut my eyes and pushed forward to meet my fate. At that moment all I could think was that last glimpse of him would haunt me until I opened my eyes again…
His lips hit mine like a ton of bricks, but like feathers all at the same time. My body rippled and I lost all control of my muscles, my brain, my body. I was 99.9% sure I was dreaming. This stuff doesn’t happen to me. Heated moments and romantic movements. I completely forgot about everything, ever. The X-Factor, my family, my friends were all a reality I wasn’t able or willing to face at this point, and the way he held me between his legs made me feel like fireworks were exploding on my insides, like my heart was imploding. His sweet, cushiony lips bit mine and I felt his heart pound on top of me, while he moved further down and kissed my neck. I remember my hands brush through his brown, curly locks and pull his jaw towards mine where he passionately held me, embracing the moment and showing me how much he really never wanted it to end.
He moved his face away from mine, smiling so beautifully, and pulled me up from the floor. He locked his soft, manly hands through mine and gave me a peck on my forehead. I blinked again, and smelt his scent. A mixture of boy, cologne and lust. I’d lost track of time, but I tended to forget about trivial things like that when he was kissing me, holding me.
Harry said, almost thinking out loud, ‘Do you think I’ll ever get better at this?’ I stood there confused, my pulse thudding my ears and he added ‘That my heart might stop wanting to beat out of my chest when you touch me.’
I told him, ‘I hope not’ with a grin, and ran off shouting ‘I’M LYING NAKED ON THE FLOOR…’
Sorry I left you so suddenly on Monday, Diary. Mum walked in and I had to hide you. Then I lost you under my bed… But it’s all good now. I practised all day today with my new song for the Judges Houses of which I still don’t know the location. I just got told I have to be at Manchester Airport for 3.30pm on the 8th of August. Ah excitement. But I decided my song will be… great. Ahhhhh fooled you. You’ll find out soon what enough anyway. So, what more do I have to say? Fam is all good. Friends are all good. Harry is all fiiiine, as you can tell. From Monday’s rendition. Me and him, we’re so good. Wait no, good doesn’t cover it. Acceptable? Ace? Admirable? Boss? Commendable? Gnaaaaarly? No. Perfect. Yep that’s it, perfect.
We saw eachother tonight and went to the cinemas to watch ‘Inception’. The film he banged on about wanting to see because his man crush, Leonardo Dicaprio appears in it a fair bit. Although we didn’t do much watching the movie, if you get what I mean. No, I jest of course. Well, we did a little bit. I remember turning round and just looking at him watch the movie, and he turned to look at me and smiled, and brushed a strand of hair from my face, leaving my skin tingling from his touch. I inhaled deeply and turned to pretend to watch the movie, with a big grin on my face. He bought us popcorn and drinks and a cheeky packet of Minstrels and I wasted half of them by stuffing them down his top, just for the laughs. Then he’d just pull them out and stuff them up my nose, which made us both break out into fits of laughter and disturb the whole film causing the other watchers to ‘Sh!’ in our direction. He’d lean down to kiss me from his great height and I’d move myself up in my chair to make the kiss last longer when he pulled away. He then smile my favourite crooked smile, and returned to watching the movie. The movie ended and as I rose from my chair, Harry scooped my waist into his arms and pulled me close to his chest and said the most perfect words. ‘Listen, I really like you. You’ve become my best friend, and the girl I could really fall for in such a short space of time. Be mine?’
I’m still playing his voice, his words over and over in my head as I write this. I just replied with ‘Ok.’ Ha, I’m a prick. He was being all deep and meaningful and I acted like I didn’t care. He said ‘Well, I was thinking, seeing as this is now, technically, a date, that I’d like you kiss you again. You know, as boyfriend and girlfriend.’ I replied, ‘You’re pushy tonight’ with a slight smile and put my hand under his chin and pulled his face down to mine. The kiss began much the same as usual – Soft, sweet, but suddenly Harry’s lips became urgent and heavy. I liked this. It made him seem passionate and he twisted his hand through my hair and onto my neck. We walked out, hands linked, hearts booming towards the taxi headed to my empty house.
Outside, the rain came down like water drained from a bucket, so the car drove slowly and Harry didn’t talk, so I didn’t either. We finally made it to my drive and before the taxi driver killed the engine, the front door opened and my parents stepped out. Harry ran round the car to open my door and help me out, and we said goodbye to my parents as I assured them me and Harry would only be staying in the lounge, watching DVD’s. When my parents were out of sight, me and Harry ran inside away from the cold, and flopped onto the sofa. Harry told me how he’d enjoyed our night together and effortlessly, without a conscious command to the muscles around my lips, my answering smile spread across my face. He laughed and I reached up to slap his face lightly, where he caught my wrist and put it on his neck. He smiled, his teeth bare and straight in the dimmed light, and he leaned towards me; his blue eyes melted and shattered my concentration, ‘Kiss me then.’, he breathed. I forgot how to breathe or think for a moment, and immediately thrust myself towards him and his peachy lips. As I drew away from him, his eyebrows raised in shock of my sudden need for him. He scrambled around for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise, and pushed me, lying down on the couch. I threw off my jacket, boiling under the heat of Harry’s body. He kissed me hard and passionately, and his jaw stiffened. This was Harry getting carried away, and I loved it. I pushed myself up slowly and grabbed his hoody, and came to put my hands on either side of his face, staggering for more. I stretched up to my knees on the cushion so I could pull it off, still kissing him. This was happening before the time that I would have believed possible. With Harry near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things, stressful things, irrelevant things like auditions, contests, homework. The fairy tale was on. My prince was here, my constant bad spell is over. I pulled my face away to smile at him, and I could see in his eyes he wanted more, yet he stopped. He pulled back. This time the pounding in my heart raced ahead of its usual besotted pace. Harry glanced to the front door where…
A dark stranger stood, behind the frosted glass. The ‘ding dong’ of the doorbell chimed and I jumped up off the sofa and hid behind Harry. ‘Harry, you go answer the door, I’m scared.’ He laughed and softly said ‘I’m sure it’s no-one’ and crept towards the door. He pulled the handle down, opened it and screamed loudly. I screamed too, scared out my skin but then he started to giggle cheekily, joined by a deeper laugh. ‘Gosh, chill out, it’s only Liam.’ The stranger said, ‘So you must be Harry’s girlfriend then?’ I calmed down and cheekily replied ‘News travels fast, doesn’t it?’ and threw a slight wink at Harry. ‘It’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much off Harry’ he said. ‘Anyway, I’m only here to drop off Harry’s overnight bag. I assumed he was staying overnight anyway…’ Harry grabbed the bag quickly and pushed Liam out the front door awkwardly. He dumped the bag on the floor and apologised for Liam’s ‘behaviour’. I dismissed it, finding it rather hilarious and said ‘So you’re staying the night then? My parents aren’t coming home.’ He smiled cheekily and loudly said ‘WELL, if you’ll have me’ whilst slowly walking towards me, hands stretched out towards my face. That thing was happening again. Where I get nervous every time he touches me, when I tingle from the heat of his body, his fingers. He grabbed my hand, locking his fingers through mine and guided me through to the hallway. ‘So, where am I sleeping then? Need to get my Jarmies on’, he said cutely. I looked into his dark blue eyes, and saw him looking back into mine. We could both tell how much we wanted eachother. He kissed my warm forehead and walked up the stairs, still holding my hand tightly, as if he was keeping me safe from all the front door demons like Liam. My eyelids fluttered quickly, nervous, tired, alive. We reached my room and Harry let go of my hand, and wandered around looking at my childhood photos hung on the wall, he flitted through my CD collection and pulled one out. He put the CD in the player and it played. My favourite one. Free Falling by John Mayer. He sang along quietly whilst still rumaging through my stuff. ‘Wanna write her name in the sky’ he sang loudly and looked over at me and said ‘This is my favourite song too. It’s nice to know we have stuff in common’ with a slight smile. He sat on my bed, pulled me over and kissed me softly, humming along to the song still. I pushed him over to lie on top of him, and he grabbed my waist. I got carried away again, but these moments we shared together seemed so quick, as if we had to make the most of being together while we could. Alone.
And now here I am. It’s 6am and he’s lying next to me, asleep, snoring quietly and cooing. I write this with a huge grin on my face. It’s perfect. It really is.
So excited for tomorrow, Diary. I jet off to the judges houses all on my own, sadly parting from Harry for a few days. He promised me he’ll miss me and keep in contact and there’s a surprise in store too.
You know how good it is between us, it’s amazing. I went to his house again yesterday and met his family. His lovely sister Gemma and his parents were so good to me, and told me how much of an impression I’m making on Harry. They went out for a bit to give us some ‘alone time’. As they left, Harry gave me a bracelet from Pandora with a music symbol charm on it, and told me it was to remember him by on our time apart. He coaxed my face up with his finger, under my chin, and showed me the most meaningful, softest expression. Shocked, I added, ‘I didn’t get you anything, I’m sorry.’ But his eyes just got darker with my apology as if I said something wrong or out of place. He replied, ‘I don’t want anything off you, I just want you.’ I stood there smiling at his words. ‘In fact no. I don’t want you. I need you.’ Them words made me feel a way I’ve never felt before. I was anxious and nervous, but at the same time, so incredibly comfortable just being around him. I’d smile without realizing it and I’d miss him if he was gone a split second. I felt as if my feelings for him could never fade, and only get stronger. I was in love. I was head over heels, irrevocably in love with Harry Styles. But he didn’t know. And he wasn’t to know until I knew he loved me too. I have always been scared of commitment, of giving one person my all but he made it so easy to make me want to give him everything I am. He smiled, evidently satisfied that he’d distracted me. ‘What are you thinking about?’ he said lightly. I stuttered, ‘Oh, er, nothing. Doesn’t matter. Let’s go upstairs shall we?’ And to that he practically yanked on my arm and sprinted up the wooden steps.
Before I knew it, I was lying in his arms again, under the covers. He sat up and cradled my face and whispered like a thought, ‘What IS it that you find appealing about me?’ I lay there, surprised of the question he’d just asked me. ‘What could I NOT find appealing, Harry? You are amazing. You’re gorgeous, funny, smart, cheeky and not to mention a few other things too.’ He laughed and jokingly said, ‘I know right.’ His sincere curiosity disarmed me. He looked at me as if his gaze unintentionally scattered my thoughts. His face was thoughtful as he considered my words. After a moment he smiled a teasing smile and pulled on the covers leaving me monged out on his bed in just my underwear.
I screamed, ‘HARRY, BRING THE DUVET BACK NOW.’ He giggled, ran out the bedroom and stormed down the stairs. ‘Shit’, I shouted. ‘Dressing gown, dressing gown, where is the freaking dressing gown.’
Harry yelled, ‘Oh, by the way, I have the dressing gown.’
I gave up looking for things to cover my body with, and ran down the stairs, tripping on my own feet along the way, causing me to accidentally fall down the last few steps. At that moment, his parents walked through the front door, directly opposite the foot of the stairs with a painfully, shocked expression written all over their faces. Harry’s dad covered his face with his hands and his lovely mother, helped me get up off the floor. Harry, unaware of the return of his parents, ran into the room screaming, ‘I hope your not cold ‘cause I’m well warm in this duvet.’ I grabbed the duvet, embarrassed of my previous actions, and crept upstairs while Harry laughed with his mum. He followed me back into his room, when at that point, I was crying. ‘I’m so stupid, urgh how embarrassing Harry. I bet your mum thinks I’m so weird now.’ He reassured me with one of his bear hugs while stroking my hair and said, ‘No, she loves you even more now and congratulated me on picking such a fine specimen of woman.’ I scoffed and put all my clothes back on. His eyes narrowed and his man hands grabbed my neck and pulled my face over to his before he kissed me hard, locking his lips slowly through mine. ‘While we’re away from eachother, please make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe, for me. If anything ever happened to you, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.’ ‘Okay’, I murmured. We walked downstairs to his front door as I left, and he looked me dead in the eyes. ‘Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept of how much I love you?’
‘What?’ I replied, my heart shocked and stuttered in my chest, skipping every other beat. He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, my ears able to listen to the beat of his pumping heart. I pressed my lips against his warm neck. ‘I know how much I love you, Harry.’ And walked out the door towards the taxi wearing Harry’s ‘down right sexy’ scent…
I’ve arrived at my destination otherwise known as judges houses otherwise known as L.A BABY! I got off the plane with my fellow girl contestants at LAX and got a limo to a mansion in the hills. My mentor’s Cheryl Cole and she was with Will.I.Am. Oh wow. I screamed when I found out, of course.
My audition went okay, I came out feeling worse than when I went in to be honest. My mum rang me to see how I was doing here, and I just had to assure her everything was okay, that I killed my audition, to make her proud. I sang Free Fallin’ by John Mayer, to help me feel emotion. It felt amazing, but the thought of Harry distracted me and kind of… well yeah, I got distracted. I walked out the audition to Dermot and he said I sounded great. Not that he’s Simon Cowell or anything.
Harry’s just rang me, surprisingly. I told him it would cost a bomb, but when it comes to me, apparently money doesn’t mean anything. He told me how his band, now named ‘One Direction’ had a good audition. I told him the band name was awful and he laughed, blaming it on Simon. They sang Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, and Harry reminded me I was his inspiration for the song choice, because I’d sang it too him before. Or rather quoted a couple of lines. The ‘naughtier’ lines about lying naked on the floor…
He told me he has a surprise for me when he gets home. Something massive. It’s probably one of his big bear hugs, that instantly make me feel so much better. I miss him so much diary. It has only been a day, but it’s killing me to stay away from him this long. The next few days will be torture. At least I know he’s not with other girls over there, so I have no reason to be worried. I can’t believe he confessed his love to me either. Harry Styles… loves me. Me! Who’d have thought that in such a short space of time, I’d get the potentially life changing career, and the boy. The perfect, beautiful, amazing boy. He means everything to me now, Harry’s become my life.
I should go now, I have to unpack. Update you later. Much love xxx
DIARY I GOT THROUGH, I GOT THROUGH TO THE LIVE SHOWS!!!!
After my nerves practically killing me, Cheryl called me into her lounge, and told me I was in her final 4. I can’t believe it. I’m going to be performing on a stage infront of millions of people. Millions of strangers. This is it now Diary, it’s my dream coming true. I can’t… I just can’t get over the whole thing. I just need Harry back now, for everything to slot into place like it should and give me a ‘Happy Ending’. Oh, I forgot to mention my lovely, amazing boyfriend got through too. We’re in competition now. This should be reasonably fun. I KNOW how competitive Harry can get. Oh dear me…
I’m home sweet home now Diary, and I’m reunited with Harry. My family went sick when I told them I was through, and threw me a cute little party. Family only. Which left me in a stress. That makes me sound like such a spoilt brat, but I wanted Harry there. I needed Harry there. Dad rang him up and told him to come round after as my parents were headed down to London to look at hotels etc for when I go to the live shows.
Harry knocked on the door lightly, flowers in hand, bag in tow and a smile on his face. I still get nervous when I’m with him. I still get them butterflies you get when you have a crush on someone. This was so much more than that now. It was love. Whatever love is. It felt like love. It felt like I could never be without him, and it tortured me to be away from him, so far away from him. But I have him back now. And he has me. And it’s perfect.
He dumped the bags and flowers in the hallway and scooped me up into his arms like they do in the movies, and kissed me passionately, as if he’d been waiting to for ages. It felt so effortless now, when he did these things. When he’d forget his inhibitions and his world to kiss me or touch me. He carried me into the kitchen and placed me on the counter, and softly whispered, ‘Hello baby’. I replied with a kiss before he walked towards the fridge and pulled out strawberries and milk. He poured two glasses full, and placed the strawberries carefully on a plate. As he walked back over carrying the milk and plate, he drank quickly, thirsty, and left a cute, white line on his top lip. I wiped it off with my thumb, then he grabbed my wrists and placed them round his neck. His face got closer to mine, and his lips pursed, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, not wanting to let go. Harry kissed me, varying pressure, sending shivers down my spine. I carried on, even when he tried pulling away, and together we felt the moment getting more and more heated. He pulled his arms from my waist and placed one on my neck, and the other on my lower back and his kissing got harder. I moved my arms, my hands headed towards his jacket, unwrapping him, and pulled his top off from over his head. He did the same to me, every other moment spent kissing, spent touching. He was still stood against the counter I was sat on, where my legs dangled, feet fidgeting. I pushed the hair out of his eyes, and he did the same to me, and I began to hear him getting out of breath, I heard his heart thump, getting excited. Passionately. Magicly. My arms flew out as I lay back, knocking over the milk and smashing the plate on the floor.
Pants. Breathing. Sweat. Magic. Passion. Love.
Harry kissed me softly on my lips, exhausted and got dressed. I did too, and cleared up the mess from the floor, shocked of my actions. I liked it in all honesty. Of course, it felt great but the adrenaline was amazing. Harry is amazing.
I know it sounds naïve and probably rather stupid, but I feel like Harry is my life now and I could really imagine a future with him. We’d finish the competition and travel across the world, falling in love more and more each day, and when we were settled, we’d buy a house and lay in bed all day, every day and eventually get married. Live abroad afterwards, somewhere exotic, where we’d only have eachother. We’d only need eachother. I can imagine us sat on a beach at sunset, him sat on a deck chair and me on his lap, covered in a towel and just watching the sun go down, loving life. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. I hope he thinks this too…
Harry’s just left now, after an amazing night together. He sang to me whilst we were falling asleep, humming the tune to Free Fallin’ as I smiled, content with my life.
In fact he just sent me a cheeky little text, ‘Get hotter than us two last night. The kitchen, that’s a new one ;’)x x x’
I replied, ‘Oh Hazzums, again soon? If you’re well behaved. ;-) xxx’
Diary, I know I’ve said it before, but I really love how my life is at the moment. It’s a new direction, and well… it is actually amazing. Harry is always there for me, as are my family. I have The X-Factor giving me an oppurtunity to make it big in the world. Me and Harry are practically joined at the hip now. Apart from judges houses, and the confusing beginning to our relationship, there really hasn’t been a day that we’ve been without each other. It’s more like routine nowadays, he’ll come to my house, and I’ll go to his and we’ll talk about family, memories, friends or anything going on with our lives. Sometimes we’d talk about stuff which really affected us. Like my dad’s cancer. It was a really hard period of time, and I felt like I needed to tell Harry this stuff, so he’d know the true me. So he’d know what went through my head, what worried me, what made me the way I am. I never told Harry in a way that was seeking attention, I felt like he could truly relate to what I was saying, and I needed to confide in him, so I know he’d trust in me and confide back.
Then we’d cuddle up on the couch, and he’d tickle my arms and my hands and watch a DVD (mainly rom-coms – Harry bums them) or mess about on his Xbox playing COD and giving strangers abuse down his headset. I think we both feel like we only need eachother. Like when you’re single and you really need friends to keep you occupied all the time? Harry is like both of them together, and a 100 times better. He’s my shoulder to cry on, my best friend.
I’ll speak soon Diary, when I have lots more to say. Loving you always. And Harry xxx
I had a… surprising weekend to say the least, Diary. Harry’s mum decided to set me and Harry off on a ‘romantic getaway’ to their log cabin in the lakes. Romantic. If you call no toilet, sleeping bags, no radiators or showers romantic, then I guess so yeah. We improvised. At night we’d zip our sleeping bags together to make a double one, and squish up on the air bed. I’d lay my head on his chest to feel his warmth, and he’d lock his legs around my body and we did just fine. Tea was hardly exciting. Bake beans cooked on a tiny stove, but Harry wore a chef’s hat and pretended he was Gordon Ramsey, ordering me around. In a jokey way, of course. He showed me all the childhood pictures in the photo albums and the tree behind the log cabin, where he used to write all the names of the girls he liked at the time.
At the end of the ‘holiday’, he surprised me by scribbling them all out, and carved my name inside a heart. I laughed at how cheesy it was, but it was a lovely gesture. It wasn’t materialistic. We didn’t do presents and buying stuff for eachother. Apart from the flowers he bought me, but they were roses to be fair. We decided it was more special to do less, more perfect gestures for eachother. Like the carving in tree. I brushed my fingers along the heart, and kissed him passionately, thanking him. I wandered over to the next tree, got my keys from my pocket, and carved two stick people into the tree. A girl with long hair holding hands with a curly haired fella. It was us, and he loved it. Harry then started going, ‘Omomomom, you hurt a tree. Naughty girl, naughty!’
I jumped on his back, and we walked up the forest, around the trees and lay down on the summers grass. He put his arm around my neck so I was squished into his chest, and told me I was ‘perfect.’ I disagreed, naturally, and told him I loved him. His other hand traced my waist, and pulled me even closer and said, ‘No, you really are perfect. I’ve been waiting for you, I love you. This might sound crazy, but I want to be with you forever.’
‘Until someone better comes along Harry, don’t talk like that.’
He was shocked at the acquisition and pulled away from me, sitting upright and looking at me with them sad eyes that made me feel cold inside.
‘Alright, marry me.’
‘Harry, stop talking crazy, we’re 16.’
‘If you want me to prove how much I love you, marry me.’
‘No Harry, leave it, I know you love me but I get this constant fear that I’m never going to be good enough for you. You’ll only love me until a prettier girl comes along.’
‘You’re beautiful to me. Don’t you understand how much you mean to me?’ ,Harry said with such meaning.
‘No.’ ,I said coldly. ‘I don’t get you.’
‘What?’, said Harry as confusion swept his face. ‘What, do you mean?’
‘Harry, you know you can do better than me. I’m nothing compared to you. There’s no comparison, I’m that unsuited to you. Maybe that’s not how you see it, but that’s what I have to live with.’
His eyes started to glisten, weeping as his heart evidently started to shatter. ‘You. Are. Mine. We are together. Infact no, we’re one person now. There’s not one of us without the other. Stop this, what do you think you’re doing?’ He started to get angry then, his voice getting more husky with every word, hitting me and making me stab myself with guilt.
I sat up and looked straight into his eyes. ‘I’m sorry Harry. I’m so sorry. I’m just having a hard time believing this is happening. It’s all too perfect. Forgive me?’
He reached forward to my neck with his hand, leaned in and gave me a passionate kiss. This was his forgiveness. I grabbed his other hand and squeezed it hard, letting him know of my constant hunger for him and kissed him in return.
We stood up, he sighed, relieved, and we walked back to the lodge.
When we returned to the small room, he headed straight to the air bed on the floor in the corner, and just lay there, thinking. I wandered over, settled down beside him, lying on my side and placed my hand on his heart, feeling it beat in his chest. My eyes started to flutter.
BEGINNING OF THE END
It’s a bitterly cold day, but the sky has been clear. That’s just about the only good thing about today, the weather. It was only an accident. It was a shame. Such a beautiful person, lost in the world, now lost from the world. It’s as if they are still around. I still see their face smiling back at me, their shiny hair, I still feel their breath on my neck and their love pulsing through my veins. Yeah, it’s as if they’re still around.
It was raining that night. Not unusual for England, of course, and we loved it when it rained. It reminded us of that night when we went to the fair, and caught the black taxi cab home after doing nothing more than enjoying each other’s company. I’d fought with my mum about trivial matters, and I needed to get out. So I rang my other half, called for a taxi, picked them up, and we went back to that same old fair. Reliving old memories I guess.
So we got there, huddled underneath the brolly and headed straight towards the candy floss stall. I bought some, and we stood beside the patio heaters. We conversed under the starlight, kissed, cuddled, kept warm. I put in my earphones when we sat at that same old bench, where we had our first, deep conversation and listened to Free Fallin’, smiling that smile I only smiled when I saw her.
She gazed back at me, thinking, reflecting. She looked so beautiful. The glimmer that shone in her eyes when I looked at her, made my heart beat uncontrollably. My palms sweat under my gloves where her hands lay, linked through mine.
I kissed her passionately before she ran off to the Ferris Wheel. She went up all on her own after I refused because of the height. Then that was it.
The wheel collapsed, and she fell. That was the end.
My heart plummeted as I ran towards her, through the crowd screaming her name, yelling for her to wake up. Tears dripped from my eyes onto her face. She lay there smiling, muttering, ‘I love you my beautiful boy. I love you so, so much. Hold my hand…’
I held her hand so tight, I felt her knuckles pushing together with the force, but she just lay there. Sleeping like an angel. I sang to her while I cried, rocking her body, ‘Wanna write her name in the sky, I wanna free fall out into nothing…’
It’s a bitterly cold day, but the sky has been clear. That’s just about the only good thing about today, the weather. Her funeral was simple. Just family and close friends. I spent the whole ceremony holding her mum’s hand. How ironic. I used to kid with her about pretty her mum is. Her mum is in no comparison to Rosa. Rosa always was, and will always be in my life. Whether it be through memories, through pictures, through songs. She will always be mine.
I still see her face smiling back at me, her shiny golden hair, I still feel her breath on my neck and her love pulsing through my veins. Yeah, it’s as if she’s still around.
Sorry for writing this Diary. I felt as if you should know. This is the last entry. Heartfelt, I hope. I hope she’s proud of me now, looking down on me.
All my love,